Choppy, messy, and praying.

Quiet time.

I’ve got a lot of it now.

Be grateful.

It is a choice.

I need Him.

I need to be changed.

Well…I want to be.

Look on the bright side.

What can get my mind off missing them?

Distraction is momentarily easier.

Reunification is always the goal.

Even without notice.

It’s what God had been preparing me for.

I do a lot of that.

Talking myself out of my grief.

Being prepared doesn’t make it easy.

I knelt down on my paddle board yesterday to just…think, talk, breathe.

I talked a lot.

Not a lot made sense.

Here is a glimpse into my mind.

Oof.

Not sure who’d want to enter into that one.

Choppy.

Incomplete.

My brother said to me the other week – “when you can form sentences again then we’ll know you’re actually OK.”

Wise…butt.

He’s right.

I missed SUP-ing.

How do you actually use that abbreviation in a sentence?

Standing on that paddleboard…I appreciate the different perspective.

So this is what Peter saw.

Well kind of…just add a raging storm & Jesus calling Peter to join him.

Gosh. I love this.

Just be.

So I knelt down.

“Lord, teach us how to pray.”

Maybe the disciples were like me in that moment.

Feeling the inner conflict between flesh and spirit; wanting something, unsure of what you want and not knowing if what you think you want lines up with what God wants.

I don’t know what to pray.

As long as you’re praying, right?

Right…but listen.

I’m currently in this place…this place where I’m very much aware of the emptiness left behind.

I don’t want to waste my time wanting or thinking I want something, just anything to fill what’s been left.

I only have space to want what God wants.

So I knelt down to talk.

My talking turned into confusion so I looked toward Heaven.

I had the same request the disciples had all those years ago.

“Teach me how to pray”

And as He did then, He did it again.

Our Father, who art in heaven
hallowed be your Name
your kingdom come
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day
our daily bread
and forgive us our trepasses
as we forgive those
who trespass against us
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
For Your’s is the kingdom
the power
and the glory
Forever and ever.
Amen.

With His very words being spoken from my mouth, peace gave way.

My heart rate slowed.

My shoulders relaxed.

I stayed kneeling down and thanked God for His presence.

I’m in the same place as I was before but yet…I’m not.

I can pray.

When I don’t quite know which way is up

I can pray.

I can pray with all that I have

even when it’s not all that much.

Choppy.

Messy.

I want to be OK.

But as I realize I’m not as OK as I thought I was

I’ll pray

And just let myself be.

And I’ll pray

while I learn how to do that.

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